Pain killer Addiction 

I was in a four wheeler accident when I was 18 and had to have screws put in my ankle. This was the first time I was prescribed pain killers. I was on bedrest for two months and my mom controlled the pills for me during that time. I started off with Dilaudid and then started taking Hydrocodone after the first month. They gave me energy and made me want to socialize with everyone. I finally felt like a normal human being. My depression was gone and I swore it was a miracle. A few months after my surgery, my morning hydro quit working it’s magic. A couple weeks after that, I couldn’t get out of bed without taking at least four. The pain killers didn’t relieve my physical pain at all. They only killed the pain in my mind. I started running out of my 30 month supply within a few days. I knew I had a problem and was too embarrassed to tell anyone. I went to my doctor right after I realized it. That’s when he decided to warn me about becoming dependent on them. He said he wasn’t going to prescribe them to me anymore because they would quit working eventually and the only thing that’d make me feel better was heroin. I didn’t mention anything about me already being dependent on them. Why wouldn’t he warn me about that in the beginning?! I knew nothing about pain killers. I trusted doctors 100% and assumed everything they prescribed was safe. That’s what i was taught growing up. I’ve never felt more betrayed. I was desperate for anything to make me feel better. The first few days were the worst for me physically. The mental pain is what hurt the most. It’s so hard struggling with depression and knowing certain pills exist that could make everything better. I was close to buying some on the streets but never did. I traded one addiction for another and started drinking. I couldn’t function when I was sober. The pills were on my mind constantly. I was drunk almost everyday for a long time. The second half of that year is blacked out in my mind. My family was getting aggravated with me and my sister is the first person I opened up to. It felt great sharing my secret with someone and thinking they finally understood why I was acting different. I thought she understood how much I was hurting. We got into an argument a week later and the first thing she said was “at least I don’t need pills to get out of bed every morning!” That hurt me more than anything. I still can’t believe she used it against me. That’s when I realized I would have to battle this alone.

I’ll post more of my story soon. I want other people who are struggling with addiction to know they aren’t alone. You aren’t a terrible person for wanting to feel happy and alive. So many people are prescribed drugs the second the doctor finds out they aren’t feeling right. I was put on antidepressants when I was 12 and ADHD meds when I was 14. The other prescription drug I’ve had a lot of issues with is adderall. Another pill I assumed was safe since my doctor prescribed it. I will post that story eventually. Discovering holistic health was a blessing. I’m determined to heal myself so I’ll be able to help others do the same. I never want anyone feeling the way I did when my sister used my addiction to make me feel like a terrible person. My doctor offered to prescribe me hydros this winter when i mentioned my ankle hurting and I told him no. It’s the first time I’ve ever turned down pills. Recovery is possible and realizing you’re naturally happy for the first time in years is the best feeling ever. I can’t wait until I’m able to help others in the future.



398. I’ll Tell You a Secret

CONSCIOUSNESS the inside story

One thing stands out in my mind. I am on the right track. I can feel the energy pulsing through me without opposition or resistance. I am onto something big: the workings of my mind as the muse of my fingers at my computer. No ifs, ands, or buts. I am on a roll. After more than eighty years of wandering, I am getting close to my final destination.

I know that because I am living that destination in my actions. This is the payoff of my being a wayfarer. Of following my own path. Of being myself to the hilt. My bones, tendons, and muscles are fully coordinated with the traffic through the pathways in my mind, in turn coordinated with my sensory experience in living the life that I have made for myself.

It is all coming together in this particular engagement, the one, without realizing it, I…

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CONSCIOUSNESS – Living for something greater than you.

The Voice of Silence

yellow flower

“Your adventure in higher consciousness will test you, as well as thrill and satisfy you. Many times you may feel fearful as you stand before unknown dimensions of higher consciousness. Your mind, trying to guess what is about to happen, will never be adequate. Its presumptions are too limited and too predicated on previous experience in the outer world. Your emotions will be stretched beyond the normal comfort level, stretched until they can maintain universal love and revel in the ecstasy of pure being.

Your adventure requires your courage — more courage than you think you’ve got. You will also have to endure, to hang on and persevere, longer than you think you can.

You will need faith. At times it may seem faith is the only thing remaining to you. You will be tempted to let go of your faith and slide back to the turning point where…

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About me

I won’t share much. 

I’m 22, female and Holistic health is my passion. I’ve struggled with prescription drug dependency and addiction since high school. I dropped out before 11th grade and got my GED. My life purpose is to turn my poison into medicine for others 🙂


We each live in our own worlds, hidden from others. Other people see us from their own unique perspective. We are part of so many different worlds that we’ll never be able to see with our own eyes. It’s best to try being a good character in all of them. But what’s good to one person might be annoying to another. It’s impossible to please everyone. Worry about your own world and quit trying to fix how you fit into theirs. If something bugs you about them, don’t try to change them. You can’t change their character in the way you want just so they’ll fit into your world better. You’ll only change your character in their world to a negative one. Instead of changing both of you into negative characters in each others world, try to understand why that character does the things that bug you. Be as accepting as possible. Always remember that other characters are being the best they can with what they know in their world. The only character you can change in whatever way you want is yourself. You can’t change how others will perceive you. But you can change how you perceive yourself and the rest of the world.