I was in a four wheeler accident when I was 18 and had to have screws put in my ankle. This was the first time I was prescribed pain killers. I was on bedrest for two months and my mom controlled the pills for me during that time. I started off with Dilaudid and then started taking Hydrocodone after the first month. They gave me energy and made me want to socialize with everyone. I finally felt like a normal human being. My depression was gone and I swore it was a miracle. A few months after my surgery, my morning hydro quit working it’s magic. A couple weeks after that, I couldn’t get out of bed without taking at least four. The pain killers didn’t relieve my physical pain at all. They only killed the pain in my mind. I started running out of my 30 month supply within a few days. I knew I had a problem and was too embarrassed to tell anyone. I went to my doctor right after I realized it. That’s when he decided to warn me about becoming dependent on them. He said he wasn’t going to prescribe them to me anymore because they would quit working eventually and the only thing that’d make me feel better was heroin. I didn’t mention anything about me already being dependent on them. Why wouldn’t he warn me about that in the beginning?! I knew nothing about pain killers. I trusted doctors 100% and assumed everything they prescribed was safe. That’s what i was taught growing up. I’ve never felt more betrayed. I was desperate for anything to make me feel better. The first few days were the worst for me physically. The mental pain is what hurt the most. It’s so hard struggling with depression and knowing certain pills exist that could make everything better. I was close to buying some on the streets but never did. I traded one addiction for another and started drinking. I couldn’t function when I was sober. The pills were on my mind constantly. I was drunk almost everyday for a long time. The second half of that year is blacked out in my mind. My family was getting aggravated with me and my sister is the first person I opened up to. It felt great sharing my secret with someone and thinking they finally understood why I was acting different. I thought she understood how much I was hurting. We got into an argument a week later and the first thing she said was “at least I don’t need pills to get out of bed every morning!” That hurt me more than anything. I still can’t believe she used it against me. That’s when I realized I would have to battle this alone.
I’ll post more of my story soon. I want other people who are struggling with addiction to know they aren’t alone. You aren’t a terrible person for wanting to feel happy and alive. So many people are prescribed drugs the second the doctor finds out they aren’t feeling right. I was put on antidepressants when I was 12 and ADHD meds when I was 14. The other prescription drug I’ve had a lot of issues with is adderall. Another pill I assumed was safe since my doctor prescribed it. I will post that story eventually. Discovering holistic health was a blessing. I’m determined to heal myself so I’ll be able to help others do the same. I never want anyone feeling the way I did when my sister used my addiction to make me feel like a terrible person. My doctor offered to prescribe me hydros this winter when i mentioned my ankle hurting and I told him no. It’s the first time I’ve ever turned down pills. Recovery is possible and realizing you’re naturally happy for the first time in years is the best feeling ever. I can’t wait until I’m able to help others in the future.